It’s been some years since I’ve had a good retreat; I think 2005 was the last one that I truly encountered God’s presence and this was in the Betania Retreat House in Baguio. Prior to this last retreat, I went to the Pink Sisters in Hemady to ask for prayers that I may again experience God just like the way I saw Him in 2005. I was not disappointed.
I was angry about some things when I boarded the bus going to Tagaytay. I thought that I will not have a good one again because I was distracted and it was difficult to concentrate on God’s love when I was thinking about people who irritate me and who I irritate in return. I’m sure that my Spiritual Director was not happy with our first session because I had nothing but angst and he must either had been very disappointed or very challenged. I told him about my difficulty in focusing in my prayers, that my mind would wonder off about so many things. My Spiritual Director advised me to focus my eyes on the crucifix or on a lighted candle to keep my mind off from any other thoughts. The crucifix or the lighted candle would help me go back to Jesus image. I was also told that if my prayers keep on talking about myself, then it is not a good prayer. I had doubts that I’ll have a good one.
In my first prayer in the chapel, just when I started to talk about my problems there was a compelling voice more forceful than mine telling me to forget about my concerns because these are already known by Jesus. Instead, I was told to listen to Him, focus on my relationship with Him, and use it as a bonding time for the two of us. He told me that my problems were not important, that there were things more important to settle and that was for me to build on a strong relationship with Him. I asked, okay then, what ought I to do. My eyes were fixed on the crucifix thinking about the Man whose outstretch arms are reaching out for the entire humanity. Suddenly, my issues no longer mattered, there was only Jesus and myself. I was given an assurance that he takes care of me and that He is constantly on my side and will never leave me. I finished my prayer with a feeling of lightheartedness all personal issues about some people forgotten.
During the exposition of the Blessed Sacrament that night, as I gazed at the crucifix and was wondering how God can listen to so many of us, how he can be mindful of all of us. The silence was deafening and the dimmed lights created an atmosphere of a Holy ground. In a few minutes I can feel His presence all over the place, not just on the Cross and I knew that He is so vast and we are tiny dots compared to His greatness. Later, I came to a realization that if the Jesus hanging on the Cross is chopped to the smallest pieces possible, there is enough for everyone to share just like in the multiplication of the bread. If we squeezed His blood, it will continue oozing until each one of us has drunk it just like what He offered during the Last Supper. Then suddenly, I got the surprise of my life as I saw Jesus with so much brilliance in all His splendor approaching me from the back. It was fast because in so short a second, I saw Him from the back of the upper part of my shoulders and entering my body lowering Himself at the back of my chest moving forward and suddenly settled not in my heart but in my gut. I always thought that Jesus’ place is in the heart, I did not understand this location at all. My tears were falling but I can vividly see Jesus looking up at me from my gut with a very tender eyes. At that moment, there was only Jesus and myself again. In the silence of the night, Jesus has entered my body and I asked Him to stay and I was wondering how to lock Him up inside. I went to sleep very serenely that night.
On Day 2, I was in the chapel at 2:30pm. Fifteen minutes later, the sun dimmed and there was a great silence and a feeling of contentment, peace and security in Jesus. I started to read Isaiah 43, thus, says the Lord… Fear not for I have redeemed you, when you passed through the water I will be with you, in the rivers you shall not drown. Then I noticed that I was no longer directing the reading but there was a male voice reading the passage and I was following His very slow phase. The voice was very masculine and very clear. I continued to follow the reading and I felt very contented, consoled and secured in the love of Jesus. At that moment, I still did not think that it was Jesus voice and continued to contemplate on the psalm. Then the voice disappeared and I was in awe at that time when I realized that the voice must have been Jesus’ voice. I wanted to hold on to that moment but the feeling disappeared. A little while later, I smelled something sweet but not very intense. In the Baguio retreat I mentioned earlier, I encountered God through the sense of smell. So, I said, “No, this is too much.” I continued to fix my eyes on the Cross, there was a sweet smell again, still not very intense. After a few seconds, the sweet smell became very intense I became so excited and I said, “Oh my God, you’re here, you’re here. This is too much.” My tears started to roll and time stood still. There was so much peace, joy and contentment and it was as if nothing and no one existed in the world except myself and Jesus. Then, suddenly, the sweet, fragrant smell disappeared. Later that night as I went to sleep, I remembered about the two apostles at Emmaus. Jesus disappeared when they realized that it was Jesus to whom they were talking too.
I was already in high spirits with the encounters I’ve had. So that when there was again the exposition of the Blessed Sacrament the second night I thought that my prayers will already be dry. But I was mistaken. As I looked at the Cross again, the picture of Jesus in my gut came back. I saw Him becoming bigger and slowly moving out of my body and this time I became smaller and He enveloped me, we had exchanged places, I was in His gut. The picture stayed on for a while then it disappeared. Later on I came to a realization that since Jesus envelopes me, I am very much protected that when someone hurts me, He is the first line of defense. In the same manner the same thing is true for the rest of us, if I try to hurt someone then it must be Jesus I hurt first. We inflict wounds on one another not realizing that we are all hurting Jesus Himself. I came to realize that Jesus envelops me at all times but He is inside when my worldly concerns become my priority. He looks up from my gut with pity knowing that issues, fears, pain, and sometimes even joy cover His presence and remains lock up inside. But when I am focus with His presence, His real place is outside as He envelops me, protecting me from anything and anyone that may harm me. He envelops me whenever He is my priority
Truly this God that I encountered in this retreat was a God of surprises. He came to me when I was not expecting Him and His image is forever imprinted in my mind. He appeared as a King in all splendor and glory, His beauty is beyond words and His face was full of compassion and mercy.
My encounters with Jesus are a challenge for me. Knowing that He is inside my body, I have become aware that I ought to do as He does and follow what He says is the greatest commandment and that is to love one another as He has loved us.
Will I live to the challenge? It remains to be seen as I continue with the many human struggles…
Anonymous
