For four months now, I have been living at Arvisu House as a Jesuit candidate and doing my own discernment; a discernment governed by structures and, more importantly, filled with silence and prayer; a discernment done as a way to know what God is calling me to be---a call that might have been ignored for so long; a possible invitation to embrace the religious life as a Jesuit priest.
For almost four months now, I have never had a chance to sleep at night for more than six hours straight. I usually have to wake up at 5:00 AM and go to bed at around 11:30 PM. I have only been to the movies thrice. I have only been to the mall 5 to 6 times. I have only had five dinner parties with friends which used to be almost a weekly activity. I have never had a chance to come home later than the curfew time at 6:00 PM except on Fridays and Saturdays. I have never had a chance to go out on my own or with friends during weeknights. I have never seen any television shows. And I have only watched one UAAP basketball game this year.
I have been feeding Georgy and Daki, our two beautiful dogs as well as the fish in the aquarium every single day. I have been washing heavy pots and pans which, ironically, has become my favorite workout activity. I have been helping out in cleaning the house and the bathrooms every Saturday. Sometimes, on Saturdays, too, I have to wake up at 3:30 AM and head to Marikina Wet Market to do the weekly marketing.
The list never seems to end.
It wasn’t an easy decision to finally acknowledge this call. To respond to this call means having great courage to go out of my way and leave my comfort zone and to conquer the fear of giving up and losing a lot of things that matter most to me---family, friends, relationships, time, etc. To have this courage means to learn to let go of these things despite many uncertainties that await and just trust in the Lord that he will take care of everything.
Secondly, to respond to this call means knowing God and establishing a rather personal relationship with Him. I am very much aware that this entails knowing myself first as well as opening myself to Him by acknowledging my gifts, strengths and abilities. On the other hand, it also means humbly accepting my own inadequacies and incapacities and unworthiness. But though it is good to acknowledge these things, I have long since realized that God does not measure my worth based on the things that I do not have but on what I have instead. It doesn’t matter if I am weak because it is God that will give me the strength. It doesn’t matter if I’m imperfect but what matters is to use my imperfections to challenge myself to do more. Having these inadequacies, incapacities, or imperfections does not make me less deserving of God’s love than others. Acknowledging these things is true self-knowledge—regarding myself as God sees me.
Lastly, to respond to this call means acknowledging that desire to follow Him, serve Him and love Him. In Arvisu, we have different family backgrounds and social status, different skills and talents, different political views, different attitudes and values. We get pissed off with each other. But despite these, we learn to allow God to speak to us through each other, through our indifferences and peculiarities. We also question a lot of things and, sometimes, we complain. We overly get tired because of the never-ending demands. We argue a lot. We struggle with so many things. We commit mistakes. But, nevertheless, we willingly and obediently follow the formation process and find meaning even in the smallest of things. It is basically our desire to seek and respond to God’s love that keeps us aflame.
At this point, it is so premature to assume that I will, indeed, embrace a religious life by becoming a Jesuit priest. One certain thing is that there will be a lot of consolations and desolations. There will be a lot of challenges. There will be a lot of issues to deal with. But it is the courage, the openness, and the desire to love Him that will keep me going.
I can also say that I still do not completely understand the full meaning of “calling.” And I don’t think I will be able to do so. What I know is that I am very much inspired to respond to God’s invitation to follow Him, serve Him, and love Him. I am here because I have chosen to love Him back despite the fact that I can only give love Him as much.
I may be responding to a call that is very much different from yours----my dear students. As students, you may be called by God to be diligent in your studies; to prioritize your academics more than anything else; to always find meaning in the tons of requirements that you are asked to submit; to never cease to learn new things and apply them to real life experiences; to be a genuinely good friend; to be a compassionate classmate; to be a loving and obedient son; to be a good role model to the younger students; to be a responsible class or org officer; to comply with the rules set by the school; or to simply show respect for others.
What is God calling you to be? Have you stopped lately to listen to this call? How have you responded to this call?
“Lord, give us the courage to accept the things that you desire for us. Give us the openness to accept our incapacities, inadequacies, and imperfections. Help us not to dwell on these things but instead, use these things to serve You and love You. Grant us the humility to accept that it is only You who is perfect. Finally, keep the desire in our hearts burning so that we are able to love You and follow You no matter where You will lead us. Amen.”
Lloyd V. Sabio
